Far Away
by Python Chick
Summary: Buffy dies while fighting a demon and Angel thinks about his life without her. B/A angst. Please R/R.


Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB. The song is "Far Away" by Chantal Kreviazuk.  
  
Finished: April 29, 2001  
  
~~ Far Away ~~  
  
I can't believe she's gone. The bright light in my dim little world. I hope she knew--knows--that I love her...that I utterly adore her. Buffy died a few months ago, but the pain is still as strong as the first day. Everyone says it'll get better with time but I can't see that happening, which is strange because I've got lots of it. I don't even know if she knew about the prophecy. If she did, she never told me or called me. Maybe Giles came across it and told her. Or maybe he found it and didn't bother to tell her. It doesn't matter now. I'll never get to hear her rhythmic heartbeat, or how it used to speed up every time we looked at each other. I'll never get to smell her hair or her soft skin. But that doesn't mean I'll forget them.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
Make me believe in you  
Honestly, for real, one thing true  
Take me in, in your arms  
Wandering alone seems so far  
Let me know that you made it as far as forever  
Let me know that you hear when I cry if you can  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
When I do it, when I fulfill my prophecy and Shanshu, it'll be pointless without Buffy. She was the one thing humanity had going for it. When I became human, we could finally be together. But I guess the Fates had a different plan. And it was pretty fucked up. Letting us find each other, love each other, hurt each other, then leave each other. It didn't seem that huge to me. She was always a couple of hours away. Now the pain is unbearable because she's even further away.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
You're far away from me  
You're far away from me  
You're far away from me  
Come a little closer  
Just a little  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Sometimes I'll hear her voice or her laugh and a spark of hope clicks inside my head that maybe her death was just a nightmare. Or maybe I'm still in Hell and they're playing with my head again. But I know that that's not the case. If I were still in Hell, they would try and make me think that the whole gang was dead too. I don't know why I came back from Hell. Oh, right...the First brought me back so that I would kill her. Looks like I succeeded by not protecting her. I should've gone to Sunnydale to help her fight. But I thought she'd end up getting mad at me for 'protecting' her again. I'd give anything to hear her yell at me.  
  
Cordy said that her vision was painful and full of fear, but I told her that Buffy could handle herself, plus she had the Scoobies to help. I was dead wrong...pun intended. By the time they got there, both were dead. It sure did a number on her. Slicing, mauling, beating her little body to death. God, I just hope that she went into shock during the attack so that she didn't have to feel what was happening to her. Good thing she'd killed the demon before she died, or it would be in a world of pain right about now.  
  
I can't even imagine what she went through or what Cordy saw and felt. Well, I can, but my picture is probably worse than the real thing since it's laced with guilt. Cordy cried for weeks on end at the pain and fear she felt, at the blood and beating she witnessed, but I cried longer. Thankfully the PTB didn't send anymore visions for a while. I don't think either of us could've handled them, much less cared about them. Wherever she is, I hope she knows that I'm sorry.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
Let me know heaven sees  
Shines on life, our memories  
Make me feel all that you are  
Angel child or a radiant star  
'Cause I know that we'll meet up again in forever, oh  
Let me know you'll be waiting for me in the end  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I know I'll see her again...someday. If I ever sleep for more than five minutes at a time, hopefully I'll get to see her beautiful, smiling face, instead of the bruised, bloody one my mind likes to taunt me with. Cordy says that I should get out and back into the 'game' of saving people, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I won't be able to control my anger and hatred. I'm afraid that I'll give up the struggle and let Angelus take control. But most of all, I'm afraid that I might forget her. I just want her back, is that too much to ask? Apparently. Not even the Caritas host can advise me on what I need. But I know what I want. Buffy. Does that make me selfish? Either way, I don't give a shit.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
You're far away from me  
You're far away from me  
You're far away from me  
Come a little closer  
Just a little  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
When I'm alone in the hotel, I can almost feel her presence. When I'm reading, I can almost picture the way she used to pull my book away and play keep-away-from-Angel. I used to get slightly annoyed when she did that. I lost lots of valuable brooding hours that way, but now I'd trade in my own existence if it would mean that she'd have her own back. The world needs her protection, her friends need her company, but I just need her.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
You're far away from me  
You're far away from me  
You're far away from me  
Come a little closer  
Just a little  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
If I Shanshu, I'll still have forty to fifty years before my time is up, maybe even sooner. I wouldn't mind all that much; I've been here for over two hundred years. Fifty years without Buffy seems like another two centuries, but it doesn't have to be that long. I've got a sharp stake in my desk that will prove my point. The crew will get my note. I hope they'll understand why I'm leaving them again. I'll see you soon, my love.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
Just a little  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  



End file.
